I had a bad day Friday, obviously. And in the past, it would have gone on all weekend, and then I would have berated myself for feeling and thinking so negatively.
Now however, I can be more ob
I didn't let Friday consume me, as it once would have. Things weren't going well, that is true, but these things, I have learned, come and go. So while difficult, they are not impossible to get through. I wish there were easier answers- I really do. Who doesn't? But I am getting stronger, and these things don't dictate my life course anymore.
I let myself cry a little on Friday, which is something I would never do until I couldn't help it and the tears would flow without my blessing. Afterward, i took care of myself. I rested, ate some comfort food, watched movies, went to bed early. By morning, I felt so much better. I spent the weekend taking care of myself. I kept my worries in the back of my mind because I knew they had to be dealt with, but I gave them a weekend vacation. I watched movies, ate comfort food, played with my pets, and enjoyed my quiet and solitude (my daughter and granddaughter were not home all weekend, which made this even easier).
On Sunday I cleaned a little, did some laundry, watched more movies, and by dinnertime was ready to watch my brother's kids, which was awesome!!
Now I feel better able to handle the stressors of Friday, which of course are always money-related, seeing as I never have enough to pay bills or afford necessities (I make $800.00 a month, and support myself, my daughter, and granddaughter, 2 cats and one dog).
So, even though i still am not sure how I am going to make it all work, I do feel better about my ability to handle it.
Thank God my life is making such enormous and positive changes.
I am sad today. Depressed and discouraged. I am not suicidal. I don't feel the urge to hurt myself. So today I am grateful for those two things. I am grateful I have a place to live, with working electricity and water, and heat. I am grateful my kids are healthy, my granddaughters are healthy and so cute, and my pets bring me comfort.
I am thankful for many, many things. But I am tired. I just want to lie down and pull the grass up over me, and be forgotten for a little while.
I keep moving forward; or, at least, in the direction I believe is forward. The 'me' I am today is still not the 'me' I want to be, and I am beginning to wonder if I will ever reach that goal.
I am disheartened, disenchanted, and wish- really, really wish- that my body would just give out so my mind could give up, too.
I do NOT keep making the same mistakes. Maybe that is what makes this so much worse. Every single path leads me right back to where I began. The difference? My endurance is stronger. Perhaps I have gained more wisdom and understanding. I once thought that was all I needed to survive. That if I could just harness wisdom, understanding, and enlightenment, then I would finally get ahead to a better place.
I don't even know if where I am IS a better place. I suppose it is, considering where I have been.
But I am so tired of struggling. Half my life is gone, and even though the horizon looks a little brighter, it still seems unreachable for me.
Maybe I should just settle for where I am, and be grateful I am even alive.
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I did something radical. I went off my medication. 0o. Well, I figure why keep taking it if it isn't working? Ih ave been on it for over a year, and these episodes still come and go. I have tried many medications- it's time to try something else. I have gone vegan, to improve my eating habits as well as my digestion. I am learning yoga, meditation, and the art of mindfulness. I am in bed by 9 or 10 pm, and up at 6 am. I cut my soda intake drastically. I see a chiropracter. I try to stick to a fairly simple daily routine to encourage the development of new, healthy habits.
Emotionally, I am on a rollercoaster. But I am confident that if I stick to this, I will get better.
I am still taking online classes, am looking for a part-time job, and am looking for opportunities to volunteer in my community.
I am rediscovering my spirituality.
It can't be worse than the meds, can it?
And so it goes in my life and crazy mind.......knowing the things I know, I still wish to be just dead, but I am not immune to the warmer weather outside. I hear the happy little chirps of birds resting in bushes. I laugh as my cat plays hide and seek in the shower curtain.
Amiguous, ambivalent monster you-- life!!!!!
How do I get through each day only to wake from my screaming nightmares to another...each so different from the rest? Are you trying to tempt me to stay? Bewitching nymph, you.
It has been much too long a wait to come back here. Where have I been? Oh, yes...hospitals, care homes, inside my head, outside my sanity realm. I type this now with bandages covering both wrists, which is an improvement from the 17 overdoses I have taken since July. Last overdose was just three weeks ago. I don't tell you to brag. I tell you to hear me. I know I am not the only nut job out there. I am not the only one who battles both angels and demons, and can only ever give partial tales and half truths to whomever asks because most of it is outside their own realm of understanding.
To understand, fully, would be to know what I know, feel what I feel, understand what I understand.......and that would make you crazy, like me.
I have begun writing it all down in a notebook. Not a journal like my others...no...this one is specific to the task, so when the day comes and people need/want to know why, all they have to do is read. It's quite a kindness, really, when you think about it.
So many tears since July.....first because my ex got out of prison. Made a damn nice mess of my wrists and arms then, I did! Then finally acceptance, and then........a wall. Why am I not instantly better? The monster was unleashed, and I remain unharmed, so to speak......so why all the overdoses? Remeron, ambien, lunesta, xanax, vicodin, anything I could get my hands on.......sometimes 60 pills all at once!! I spent time in ICU. The only time I slept, actually. Drank enough liquid charcoal to learn to like it. Spent 6 months between hospital and crisis care home.
And I am back where I began, with the cutting.
But this time it's for practice. My goal is many moons away.....and there is much writing to do........... My mood: very anxious
Apapthy, lethargy, boredom......symptoms of something more than just depression? I have been invisible girl for my whole life. Who would notice one less person on the planet? 4or 5 overdoses and one offhand remark about a train and a bridge lands you in the hospital and then a group home.....again. And this relationship thing I am trying......I hurt because I am so afraid of being hurt. How do I know what's real and what is only in my head? Hope is so fickle, so fiendish as to flit just out of my reach. It tortures me daily.
Take my nightmares and give them to hades for eternity, for that is where they hail from. Misnomers and fear-eaters, crunching me betweeen their teeth.....I am a bloody mess.
My mood: pretty apathetic
The summer has been rough, and I nearly died by my own hand twice...once accidentally. I am now someplace where I am receiving the care I need right now. And I am safe from my ex. I am so scared to run into him somewhere.
But you must all be tired of this old song and dance...huh?
Good stuff....... on my 4th class toward my degree in child development. Taking classes online at Walden University. Getting a new apartment...it's really cute. Have a new dog...miniature schnauzer named Maxx, and he is my best bud.
Enjoy having Jasmine, my g-daughter, spend the night. Am exercising regularly.
OKay. Enough for now.
Pandemonium reigns supreme
inside this sacred holy being
of velvet and soft rabbit fur.
I looked away-
another blur flew past my eyes
and I saw not the shadow creature up
on top of rotting hills and mountainsides,
Incandescent brilliance of my heart's mind
spills out onto the newness of white on white.
An angel's wing,
like my soul-
a tear no man-made material can mend.
I cried for you, then;
bittersweet daggers that pierced my deepest
Your eyes stare sightlessly into mine,
Sometimes I carry the weight of the world around with me wherever I go. I partially blame my upbringing, when even showing the slightest emotion that wasn't anything but extreme happiness was a reason to be made to feel guilty for being ungrateful. But we can all blame our upbringing for something. I partially blame my religion, for teaching me about what this world is in for and what is happening now. I want to save them all, but I can't. I fgeel guilty because my best friend's son killed himself recently, and I have so much to be thankful for.
And yet my nights are spent awake and anxious, waiting for my ex to come back one day, waiting for my life to end, wondering if today was my last day and did I do all I wanted.......and no, I never do enough.
In a group, or with another, you'd never know these thoughts run through my mind non
How can some people be born with no conscience whatsoever, and kill and manipulate people without so much as a second thought, while others of us have so much, it nearly drives us mad??
I ping-pong back and forth, and because I cannot take my own life.......believe me, if I had no kids, and no granddaughter, the deed would have been done long ago.......and people always inevitably ask me why I cut myself- it is all I can do. When emotional pain becomes too much too bear, physical can be a sweet relief.
Do you believe in God?
I do. But to believe in God means to believe in angels, and to believe in angels, means to believe in demons, and this is what scares me.......
The last time I cut myself I almost died, yet I have no recollection of it whatsoever. I found out my ex was to be paroled. and my mind went somewhere else. What if that happens again?
I am poison to anyone who wants to get close. Poison.
My mood: somewhat anxious
Overcame my dependence on pain pills. I talked to my doctor, and asked for something non-narcotic, so he prescribed tramadol. One pill takes the pain away for hours, without all the side effects!!!! In fact, now I rarely take a pain pill, except for maybe once or twice a month. Not taking any sleeping pills, and off the anxiety meds too. I feel so good physically!! And, a little proud, if I I do say so myself. :)
Doesn't mean I don't think about it....taking other drugs. Sometimes being high would be so much easier than dealing with all the inner pain. But I am determined.
You hear that world??????!!! You haven't beaten me down yet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My mood: pretty calm
Have you ever felt as if you were mired in quicksand, up to your waist in thick sludge? The harder you struggle, the faster you sink- but if you stop struggling, all you'll do is sink more slowly. I ask you- which is worse? Wouldn't you rather get it done and over with? Maybe you spy a vine barely out of reach....how hard do you keep trying to reach for it? Do you go down fighting and struggling, or do you quietly admit defeat and accept your fate?
Came home from the hospital this morning with 13 stitches. At this rate, Mike won't have to kill me.......I'll simply fall to pieces.
My mood: extremely anxious
On July 15 I inadvertently attempted to kill myself. Let me explain. I had just found out my monstrous ex-boyfriend Mike, was paroled. A week before this Amanda and Jasmine got their own apartment, which is great, but which left me utterly alone and suffering separation anxiety. I have raised Jasmine, after all. I spent two hours the night of the 15tth at a neighbors house discussing my fears of Mike, and some of the things he did. I had two shots of Apple vodka (good stuff, btw). I was manic about my rantings. I was terrified. My neighbor, Tracie, took me to my apartment at about 10 pm to go to bed. Her 13 year old son was playing GTA San Andreas on my computer since theirs was down. The rest of what happened is as I remember it, because I suffered what the doctors are now calling a mental break- a dissociative episode.
I lay down on t he couch and was intent to go to sleep, but something prompted me to listen to "Don't Fear the Reaper" by Blue Oyster Cult. I played it 3 times. I remember getting up and going to the bathroom. The next thing I remember is looking at a deep cut running from my wrist to my elbow, and thinking, 'that didn't even hurt.' Then I remember nothing until I saw blood dropping into the toilet, and on the toilet. I remember thinking about the drops in the toilet, and how when they hit the water, they bloomed like flowers....so pretty. I remember nothing else, until I asked Caleb to go get his mom, which he did. I remember her coming to see me, calling 911, and me being confused and going on and on about my dog. Then I remember a house full of people.....I assume paramedics......I remember walking downstairs an getting into the ambulance, and answering the paramedics question about what I cut with. I told him a razor blade, and he said "Oh, God." Then I remember nothing until an hour later when I finally returned to myself.
What happened......I cut myself a dozen times, from the wrist to the elbow on both arms, then across the arterial veins on my arms, then several other deep cuts in various places. I required staples, stitches, and thick suture tape. Apparently, had it not been for Caleb, I would have bled to death, because I was too confused to understand what was happening. I was drenched in blood. So was my bathroom.
I spent a week in the hospital, and my doctor wanted me to go to a group home, but I refused. I cut myself, pretty badly, the night I got home, but I have seen a therapist and doctor, and while one of the cuts should have been stitched (I waited too long for fear of going back to the hospital), I am doing okay. My arms hurt, inside and out as I heal and the scars pull tight. I look like Frankenstein's daughter.
I don't know what is going to happen now, but I am once again hyper-vigilant, just as I was when he was stalking me. I am afraid, and nothing can stop it. What happens if I suffer another mind-break, and I am alone? I don't want to die.
If he comes looking for me, I may need to hide.
My mood: extremely scared
I have been taking classes fulltime online at Walden University, and am enjoying it greatly, though it is a lot of work. My daughter and granddaughter just moved into an apartment with Amanda's boyfriend, so I finally have my place to myself. Well, myself, a guinea pig, 3 cats, and one miniature schnauzer. Yeah, I got a dog. He's 3 years old, and my best buddy!
Actually, if it weren't for him i would be in the hospital right this moment. I just cut up both my wrists. Nothing too serious...not gonna bleed out or anything- it wasn't that deep. I spread antibiotic cream on gauze pads, then wrapped a self stick gauze bandage around both my wrists. Nothing is bleeding through.
Last week I cut my arm so deeply I had to go to the emergencey room for stitches. Wait, that was two weeks ago. It has since healed up nicely.
Don't ask me why I cut. I could give a hundred reasons. I have always avoided my wrists, though. I only cut my upper arms. But I needed to know if I could do it or not. If I had to, could Ido it.
I don't feel suicidal, though I know the cutting would seem to prove otherwise.
Do you ever just feel like you have no control over what is happenning in your life? You aren't where you pictured yourself 5 or 10 years ago. Mistakes so large they haunt your dreams remain as constant reminders of your failures, and your fears. Family drifts away, and interest is perfunctory, at best, limited to only what is considered polite. People are busy moving, doing, being, and you're standing still, watching the blur of activity, wanting to reach out and just stop someone and yell "Look at me! LOOK at ME!!!"
But at night you crawl into bed, having left unfinished most of what you aspired to do, with a half-hearted attempt at other things.
Cutting is the only thing that belongs solely to me. I control it. I own it.
I do not wish to die. I want to live. Loudly.
My mood: very confused
What has happened since I last visited? Apparently it wasn't as long ago as I had thought. Time- no boundaries, that one. I awoke after dreaming of death all night. First, a cat who had fallen from a rooftop. He had been banished there by his family because of something he had done.
Then I dreamed someone I knew,someone I really trusted, killed my oldest son. I was beside myself in anguish. I woke up crying.
I'm a pill junkie. I am not hiding nor glamourizing that fact. With outthe medications I take, I doubt I would survive long out in the world. I take something to quell the nightmares, bit I think it has stopped working. I take meds for anxiety, only now I also take pain medication and muscle relaxers, so I don't feel so anxious anymore. I like hte muscle relaxers best- they make me feel numb, impenetrable- nothing can get in and hurt me.
I live in a one bedroom apartment with my daughter and granddaughter. In one month, I am making the transfer to a two bedroom, right down the hall. It's a great apartment, but I am going to miss this one.
Some young guy moved into the apartment across from me. I wonder if he knows about Marilyn lying there for a week before being found?
I wonder if I should take up drinking, but i really don't think I have the stomach for it. Too many alcoholics in my family already anyway.
Oh, I almost forgot- my daughter got a miniature schnauzer. She rescued him from a puppy mill. He is two and a half, and has spent his whole life in a cage, being used just for stud service. We named him Max. I should say, my granddaughter did, anyway. He is sweet, and more and more of his personality comes out every day. My cat, Fatboy, likes him. Miss Kitty treats him like she treats Fatboy, so it's no biggie then.
Well, I'm off to do some catching up on homework. I had a few days of despondency ( I went off my antidepressants 3 or maybe 4 months ago), but they weren't bad. I didn't cut......I just slept a lot.
So that's my story for now........ttyl.
My mood: very contemplative
I live each day with my fingers crossed,
I am having a pampered chef cooking show on March 8. If you would like to order, go to www.pamperedchef.biz/dianegoschey, and look for place an order with a show....either enter my name- Sherri Daus- or it will already be there. Place and order, or book your own show! And guys, this isn't just for women...men cook too!!!
Go to www.sherridaus.blogspot.com if you want to read some of my stuff. It's all a work in progress, so be gentle. I am working on getting custody of my granddaughter since my daughter doesn't seem to know what she is doing with her life. I love my granddaughter, but I miss mornings like this, when it's just me and my cats, and I do my spare amount of chores, then sit down at the computer with a cup of coffee and the news.
My creative flowed has been stifled...writing takes more effort, and I am constantly tired. I seem to need pain pills more now that i am chasing her around. But I love my baby girl, and will do anything for her.
Anniversary of my dad's death passed quietly enough. Maybe that explains why I feel so weepy lately.
I feel a creative spark, so I need to go write.
I hope this finds everyone well and happy!!!!
I have been gone a long time. I spent almost al of August in the hospital. Then I fell ill and was sick through a lot of September. My dauhgter and granddaugter moved back in with me, and that has taken p the remainder of my time. That and preparing for classes for my Bachelor's Degree in Child Development.
My daughter has taken a job as a stripper. I have my granddaughter fulltime now, pretty much. I'm not complaining.....at least I know she is being well looked after.
Well, I am exhausted, but I will write tomorrow. I took a sleeping pill tonight and need to go to bed.
My mood: very tired
Previous PostsThe sky is still blue, posted November 12th, 2012
Bleakness within, posted November 9th, 2012
It's been so long...., posted October 19th, 2012, 1 comment
so little time, posted March 1st, 2011
a new day dawns, posted February 16th, 2011
Will you miss me?, posted February 11th, 2011
winner takes it all..........., posted November 7th, 2010, 1 comment
tidbit, posted October 18th, 2010
Random poetry of the crazy in mind..., posted October 17th, 2010
The weight to much too bear, posted August 24th, 2010
Victory, posted August 10th, 2010
Quicksand, posted August 1st, 2010
Don't Fear The Reaper- Part 2, posted July 31st, 2010
It's been a while......, posted July 6th, 2010
catching up, or catching on?, posted May 20th, 2010
time beats slowly, posted March 6th, 2010
Don't Fear the Reaper- my theme song this year, posted March 6th, 2010
Pampered Chef Cooking Party!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, posted March 3rd, 2010, 3 comments
writing and reading, posted March 3rd, 2010
long time gone....., posted December 4th, 2009, 2 comments
twinkel twinkle littlestar, posted August 28th, 2009, 1 comment
help me, I'm falling, posted August 26th, 2009, 2 comments
because....., posted August 13th, 2009
I cut myself, posted August 12th, 2009, 1 comment
like the Titanic, posted August 2nd, 2009
why??, posted July 23rd, 2009, 1 comment
I am drinking wine, posted July 22nd, 2009
fighting alone, posted July 21st, 2009, 5 comments
betrayal, posted July 13th, 2009, 1 comment
I slept all day, posted July 11th, 2009, 1 comment
so tired, but cannot sleep, posted July 9th, 2009
What am I?, posted July 6th, 2009
I'm going camping, posted June 27th, 2009, 1 comment
now comes comtemplation, posted June 24th, 2009
a little bit of relaxing time..., posted June 23rd, 2009
is this happy?, posted June 18th, 2009
thanks to EP, posted June 17th, 2009
I love this place, posted June 16th, 2009
finding sherri, posted June 12th, 2009, 1 comment
not a poem, posted June 8th, 2009
I love you guys, posted May 29th, 2009
working on it..., posted May 18th, 2009, 1 comment
oops, posted May 17th, 2009, 3 comments
time never waits, posted May 3rd, 2009, 1 comment
nightmares, posted April 30th, 2009, 1 comment
naughty naughty, posted April 22nd, 2009
I'm a loser, baby..., posted April 16th, 2009
bring her back, posted April 13th, 2009, 2 comments
dying...., posted April 11th, 2009
is this heaven or hell?, posted April 11th, 2009
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