Bleakness within | bluehaiku's Blog
I am sad today. Depressed and discouraged. I am not suicidal. I don't feel the urge to hurt myself. So today I am grateful for those two things. I am grateful I have a place to live, with working electricity and water, and heat. I am grateful my kids are healthy, my granddaughters are healthy and so cute, and my pets bring me comfort.
I am thankful for many, many things. But I am tired. I just want to lie down and pull the grass up over me, and be forgotten for a little while.
I keep moving forward; or, at least, in the direction I believe is forward. The 'me' I am today is still not the 'me' I want to be, and I am beginning to wonder if I will ever reach that goal.
I am disheartened, disenchanted, and wish- really, really wish- that my body would just give out so my mind could give up, too.
I do NOT keep making the same mistakes. Maybe that is what makes this so much worse. Every single path leads me right back to where I began. The difference? My endurance is stronger. Perhaps I have gained more wisdom and understanding. I once thought that was all I needed to survive. That if I could just harness wisdom, understanding, and enlightenment, then I would finally get ahead to a better place.
I don't even know if where I am IS a better place. I suppose it is, considering where I have been.
But I am so tired of struggling. Half my life is gone, and even though the horizon looks a little brighter, it still seems unreachable for me.
Maybe I should just settle for where I am, and be grateful I am even alive.
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Previous PostsThe sky is still blue, posted November 12th, 2012
Bleakness within, posted November 9th, 2012
It's been so long...., posted October 19th, 2012
so little time, posted March 1st, 2011
a new day dawns, posted February 16th, 2011
Will you miss me?, posted February 11th, 2011
winner takes it all..........., posted November 7th, 2010, 1 comment
tidbit, posted October 18th, 2010
Random poetry of the crazy in mind..., posted October 17th, 2010
The weight to much too bear, posted August 24th, 2010
Victory, posted August 10th, 2010
Quicksand, posted August 1st, 2010
Don't Fear The Reaper- Part 2, posted July 31st, 2010
It's been a while......, posted July 6th, 2010
catching up, or catching on?, posted May 20th, 2010
time beats slowly, posted March 6th, 2010
Don't Fear the Reaper- my theme song this year, posted March 6th, 2010
Pampered Chef Cooking Party!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, posted March 3rd, 2010, 3 comments
writing and reading, posted March 3rd, 2010
long time gone....., posted December 4th, 2009, 2 comments
twinkel twinkle littlestar, posted August 28th, 2009, 1 comment
help me, I'm falling, posted August 26th, 2009, 2 comments
because....., posted August 13th, 2009
I cut myself, posted August 12th, 2009, 1 comment
like the Titanic, posted August 2nd, 2009
why??, posted July 23rd, 2009, 1 comment
I am drinking wine, posted July 22nd, 2009
fighting alone, posted July 21st, 2009, 5 comments
betrayal, posted July 13th, 2009, 1 comment
I slept all day, posted July 11th, 2009, 1 comment
so tired, but cannot sleep, posted July 9th, 2009
What am I?, posted July 6th, 2009
I'm going camping, posted June 27th, 2009, 1 comment
now comes comtemplation, posted June 24th, 2009
a little bit of relaxing time..., posted June 23rd, 2009
is this happy?, posted June 18th, 2009
thanks to EP, posted June 17th, 2009
I love this place, posted June 16th, 2009
finding sherri, posted June 12th, 2009, 1 comment
not a poem, posted June 8th, 2009
I love you guys, posted May 29th, 2009
working on it..., posted May 18th, 2009, 1 comment
oops, posted May 17th, 2009, 3 comments
time never waits, posted May 3rd, 2009, 1 comment
nightmares, posted April 30th, 2009, 1 comment
naughty naughty, posted April 22nd, 2009
I'm a loser, baby..., posted April 16th, 2009
bring her back, posted April 13th, 2009, 2 comments
dying...., posted April 11th, 2009
is this heaven or hell?, posted April 11th, 2009
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