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Bleakness within | bluehaiku's Blog


I am sad today. Depressed and discouraged. I am not suicidal. I don't feel the urge to hurt myself. So today I am grateful for those two things. I am grateful I have a place to live, with working electricity and water, and heat. I am grateful my kids are healthy, my granddaughters are healthy and so cute, and my pets bring me comfort.

I am thankful for many, many things. But I am tired. I just want to lie down and pull the grass up over me, and be forgotten for a little while. 

I keep moving forward; or, at least, in the direction I believe is forward. The 'me' I am today is still not the 'me' I want to be, and I am beginning to wonder if I will ever reach that goal. 

I am disheartened, disenchanted, and wish- really, really wish- that my body would just give out so my mind could give up, too.

I do NOT keep making the same mistakes. Maybe that is what makes this so much worse. Every single path leads me right back to where I began. The difference? My endurance is stronger. Perhaps I have gained more wisdom and understanding. I once thought that was all I needed to survive. That if I could just harness wisdom, understanding, and enlightenment, then I would finally get ahead to a better place. 

I don't even know if where I am IS a better place. I suppose it is, considering where I have been. 

But I am so tired of struggling. Half my life is gone, and even though the horizon looks a little brighter, it still seems unreachable for me. 

Maybe I should just settle for where I am, and be grateful I am even alive. 

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