The Blog of bluehaiku

It has been 5 months since my father died. I watched him die, actually. Just me and him in the hospital room, me being the night shift, seeing as my family was htere all day. I was sitting onmy cot when I looked up. Spongebob was on tv. My father's breath was coming slower, like a fish when it has been out of water too long, and it has no energy left to suck in air anymore. Gasps came slowly. I could only watch. And then......nothing. Just like that, he was gone. This big, powerful, dominating prescence in my life was suddenly no more. Could this be right? He was so commanding, so controlling when I was growing up; even as little as 2 years ago he was still calling all the shots. I was now staring at this shell of a man- eyes closed, chest no longer moving, mouth open, body ravaged by The Disease. No. No.......this couldn't be my dad. My dad was strong. He was going to live forever just to make us all miserable, we always half-joked.

But it was my father. What was left behind when he left. I rose off the cot and went over to him. I touched his forehead, and stroked his cheek. I love you daddy, was all I could say. And I cried. Big, heaving sobs. It surprised me how much it hurt.

I called the nurse then. She walked in, said "it's over already?" and left. I called my mother. She called everyone else. I was alone with my father for an hour before anyone else came back into  the room, including hospital staff. Spongebob was still laughing in the background. It seemed comforting, in a weird sort of way. I wasn't so alone then.

It surprised me how much it hurt. It still surprises me now. I didn't think I would miss him. I didn't think I would be thanking him for some of the traits he bestowed upon me....the good ones. Funny how we never think, until it's too late.